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It’s a surreal moment when I realize that my girlfriend I have been out here in Korea for almost six months now. On the one hand it feels like just moments ago I was popping Xanax and complimentary screwdrivers aboard a Singapore Airlines flight while praying the wings didn’t detach at cruising height. Yet at the same time it feels like it’s been a lifetime out here already.

Teaching kids anything, especially a second language, can be exhausting, but also very rewarding. It’s a lot like herding cats.

Like any job, there are moments of sheer frustration, such as when little Lucy, who’s been doing so well, suddenly slips back into remedial thinking like John Nash without his meds and begins slapping Alex across the face after he called her parents ‘poor farmers‘. Somedays you’re happily teaching the kids about foreign policy, phonics, life on mars, aliens, adverbs, and Wall-E all before lunch and keeping them entranced like cavemen with fire.

Then there are days when the little tumblers in the mental locks on their minds don’t line up and you end out realizing why so many people drink heavily out here. The Peace Corp calls itself “The Hardest Job You’ll Ever Love”, but there are days after eight hours of trying to get kids not to confuse there L’s and R’s (”reft turn at the led right“) that makes the thought of digging some water ditch for some dirt farm in Djibutti sounds like a nice retirement plan.

And of course there are the moments of absurdity, such as teaching kids about endangered species, and using the New Zealand Kiwi as an example on how we should help protect animals.

Me: “So what can we do to help protect the kiwis?“
William: “We can make a machine that has swords and the swords will kill anything that tries to hurt the kiwi!“
Me: “That’s an interesting thought, but there are a lot of things that like to eat kiwis. Dogs, cats, other–“
William: “Then we teach the machine to make more machines!“
Me: “…yes but–”
William: “The machines would look like police and they would go to the past and stop the people from hurting kiwis!“
Me: “This sounds a lot like the plot from Terminator.“

Prior to coming out to Korea on this Asian Odyssey, I’d spent my years after college working on the fringe edges of the Film Business with all the success of Lindsey Lohan avoiding a DUI charge. It was a fitting irony that I was put in charge directing a play for a group of seven year olds, because having their parents record the recital has been about the closest I’ve come to seeing my work produced, even if it was only an adaptation of an age old story called The Blind Men and the Elephant. While I didn’t spend every moment reading David Mamet books, I did get to indulge the method actor inside me by having my students write out their characters names, ages, physical traits, and back stories. Thus, little Tony playing Blind Man #1 learned to play the part with a limp and a cane because he decided his character was eighty nine. And little Emily decided hers was a cross between a ballet dancer and Hunter S. Thompson.

David Mamet may still have a slight edge over my directing abilities, but our play came out pretty well, despite the non-existent wardrobe budget, bossy producers (the school director), and limited run time (one performance), I was quite pleased how well my class did. They got their parts right, improvised when things went wrong, and waved to their moms and dads mid performance in an amusing way of breaking the fourth wall.

Tyler, the fearless genius that he is, took charge of a few scenes when the kids forgot their lines.

We had a few musical numbers built into the play, but the kids really made it their own. It wasn’t RENT, but having them beat box “Check, check, CHECK out the elephant,” then grab hands and dance in a circle was a close second as far as I’m concerned.

From left to right: Alex, who showed up as a Wizard because he was so into his method acting he decided the kings messenger should be Harry Potter. Bibi, as the princess. Suji, as the Prince. And Tyler, channelling the ghost of Col. Sanders as the Princes Messenger. Note the makeshift elephant built out of playground pieces in the back. Apparently there’s some law against importing real elephants, and ours was detained at Incheon Airport where it’s currently being trained to teach english.

Another musical number. Tony, rocking the cape and hat as an adjosshi blind man on the left.

At the end, everyone took a bow to the parents while Tyler ran out and raised his hands like some tiny Rocky Balboa shouting: “Aaaaaadreaaaan!“

Moms, a few dads, a grandma, and even a baby sister showed up. While the theatre only held 22 seats, we filled every one, making it the most sold out performance in the kindergarten circuit. Next semester, we’re thinking of tackling Waiting for Godot , or The Three Little Pigs, depending on if we can get the rights.

~cheers,

-D-